Today I saw the First Flutterby of Spring..

So, yes it's been a while, I bet you've been wondering where I've been. Or may be I missed you more than you missed me! Easily done. Our thought for the day is 'What did moths bump into before the light bulb was invented?',  but maybe that's more of a question than a thought, so perhaps we had also better have 'Life is easier to take than you think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable'.  Our songs for the day are going to be 'Believe in me' The Pierces (may have spelt that wrong) 'Life's too Short' Paul Carrick, and 'Resurrection Shuffle' Ashton, Gardner and Dyke.

The house sale seems to be progressing, if somewhat more slowly than I would like.  But then, often things go slower than I would like.  More often than not, really.  Patience isn't my forte. As I've said before, I see patience as a minor form of defeat dressed up as a virtue.  Difficult to believe that I would think that isn't it? Being such a paragon of virtue and all that!  Anyway, we're set to complete on 28th, so then we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief and move on.

You might expect that my thoughts have been turning to our next project, and indeed they were.  That is until Deb and I went to see a possibility.  A which point it became abundantly clear that Deb and I would not be working together again.  Yes, it was strike three for my self destruct mechanism.  Shall we say that the words 'difficult', 'impossible', 'dismissive' and 'sub-standard' were bandied about in a not particularly complimentary combination.  In my defence, I would like to remind everyone that we have renovated a wreck and made about a 20% return in about 4 months.  Which I believed to be the aim of the game. Forgive me for getting that wrong, it was all for fun, show, and the approval of others, seemingly.  I just have to wonder if the project would have been completed, or if it would have made any return at all, if we had both abandoned it in a similar fashion.  I also wonder if the people slinging the mud actually ever stop and think how much mud others could sling if they chose.  In this particular instance I felt that discretion was the better part of valour and, for once held my tongue.  This aside of course! And walked away.

I have to say that I didn't enjoy this project as much as the first, maybe because we weren't filming, or maybe because Susie was better company.  Certainly, the first one was a better natured project.  I think I owe Susie an apology, or possibly I need to eat some humble pie.  Maybe both would be best, just to be certain you understand!

I have to say that I felt a strange sense of relief when I knew I wouldn't be doing it again in the same company.  I just need to find another way to achieve my goal.  And that is what is causing some degree of deliberation.  For once in my life I am devoid of a plan, I have no grand scheme, I am at a loss.  I am unsure what to do for the best.

I thought maybe I should try convention.  To which end I actually applied for a proper job.  Can you believe it! No? I struggled as well!  The top and bottom of that was that Klinitrials decided, without interview, that I was not for them.  Shame really, I thought swanning round the world over seeing clinical trials was right up my street.  I even have all the qualifications to back me up.  Perhaps, on reflection, an interview would merely have hastened their decision.  So back to the drawing board for me.

As I see it, there are three possible routes.

Firstly, I can slog it out here.  Pick up some locum work, try to resurrect the pudding business, or at least put some more effort into it. Hope that the shop starts performing.  I can't say that route fills me with joy, or enthusiasm, but it does remind me of the lesson that I learned at boarding school. 'All hideous things come to an end eventually. The less you moan and the more you get on with it, the easier it will be for everyone'.  Still not enamoured? No, me neither.

Secondly, you could all sponsor me!  Just give me a bit of cash to add to my stash so that I can afford another wreck and I'll return it to you, with profit, when the job is done.  Not sure about that one either, eh?

So that leaves only the third and most tenuous option.  I think a holiday home might be the way forward.  It has to be somewhere that is affordable for me, and relatively easy to get to.  So that rules out Cornwall/Devon, East Anglia, Suffolk, Kent, Wales, Cumbria and Northumbria.  Where does that leave? Scotland.  Although, I will concede, that both the weather and midges are against it for me personally, but people seem to like it.  How can Scotland be easier to get to than Cornwall (or any of the others) I hear you cry!  Well, I can fly from East Midlands, and it's cheaper than most other places.  So that's my plan, such as it is. Now I just need to find the place.  I want somewhere near water. In fact I mean right by the water. Like a boathouse, or a mill, or a plot of land running down to the shore.  Nothing fancy or big. Just something I can make into a cosy, welcoming bolt hole. A haven from the world.  Let me know when you find it for me.

I was thinking of going on an exploratory foray north of the border, but I was also hoping to combine it with and evening with Paolo.  Sadly, no tickets for Barrowlands, King Tuts or somewhere in Edinburgh could found for neither love nor money, so it doesn't look as if that will be happening any time soon.  Do let me know if you can help me out on any of those fronts!  We are, however, spending the evening with Paolo in the rather less salubrious surroundings of Wolverhampton.  The music will be just as good though, and that's what it's all about!

So that's about all I have to tell you.  I am beginning to see less of my black dog that has been with me for so long. Some days I even believe that he has left for good, but then I spy him again.  Maybe now he is a greyer dog with black patches.  Either that, or the meds are beginning to work.  There is scant evidence for that though.  I think he will be with me for a while, despite repeated attempts to chase him off, and to resist all temptation to give in, so I carry on (think there's another song there), putting one foot in front of the other, weathering the storms.  Living but not yet alive.  An adventure is called for, so that I can once again plunge through life.  Let me know when you find that bolt hole for me!

As the weather improves, I can feel my spirit begin to lift, and to try to fly and soar once more, like the first flutterby of spring that I saw today!

So that is all for now, I will pop back on occasion to let you know if that adventure has been found, to let you know if my pictish warrior has arrived and effected my rescue and to let you know where my heart has led me.  So be brave, be bold and let go of all the small stuff, life is just too short and can only be lived once!

(Actually, I'm not sure about that. I'm fairly sure I've been here before, and that I will be again.  Maybe I'll get it right next time!) x